The Frankenstein's Monster Monologues
People often ask me if I sleep and I tell them, yes, but standing up like a horse. Sometimes, I try find a wall, or a tree, or a large boulder to lean up against. I certainly don’t sleep in a coffin like that idiot Dracula. I would get too claustrophobic in there. I like roaming around free in green grassy fields, also like horses. I like wandering through the countryside at night and looking up at the stars.
These days I’m often confused for a zombie, but unlike them I have no interest in eating human brains. Do I eat anything, people ask? Sure, I say. I eat the same food you do. My favorite is a medium-rare steak and a baked potato. I also like to stop and smell the roses. Zombies, by the way, don’t sleep, not even standing up. That’s another thing that separates me from them. They’re like sharks, they always need to keep moving.
People occasionally wonder why my clothes are so torn up, and I say that’s just how monsters dress. Have you ever seen the Mummy? The guy is dressed in literal rags. And the Wolfman? He doesn’t even have a shirt on, just cut-off shorts. Who at that age wears cut-off shorts? I do kind of dress like a zombie, I guess. That’s one thing we have in common. My clothes are mostly intact, but maybe a little torn and worse for the wear.
I should poke my head in on the Doctor and see what he’s been up to. I wonder if he can get his hands on a crisp, new black suit for me. I want to look sharp. We’ve kind of had a falling out, to tell you the truth. Ever since that lynch mob came after me with their torches and pitch forks, and pushed me off a cliff. I’ve always kind of blamed him. But then he did make a mate for me, so I wouldn’t get too lonely. That’s something.
In the end, however, my “bride” left me for Dracula, that asshole. She said it was because he was always so impeccably dressed. He even wears a cape. A cape! I told her, do you really think there’s room for two in that dumb coffin of his? She said she doesn’t care. That she’ll happily sleep on the floor, or even a bed if she has to. She said she likes his sense of style. Apparently, I have no sense of style.
She also said that she finds the bolts in my neck “off-putting.” Well, I find those weird white streaks in your hair off-putting! And why are you always wearing a wedding dress? You’ve never actually been married to anyone. It’s starting to get a little strange. I think someone has a case of always a bridesmaid and never a bride. Do you really think Dracula’s ever going to marry you? He’s always had a thing for virgins.
Mostly, I’m jealous of the monsters that can pass for human. Dracula? Sure, he’s creepy and weird, but he also looks pretty normal if he doesn’t smile too much and gets that widows peak taken care of. And the Wolfman? He’s only a monster once a month. What a lark. Don’t even get me started on Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Your evil monster name is Mr. Hyde? Hide. Get it? Obvious, much? At least either way, you look human.
But what I really wish is that I could be invisible like the Invisible Man and not have to worry about people staring at me, or judging me. If I had a super power, I’d want it to be invisibility. Not that flying bullshit. I already have super strength and it’s not that great. People usually ask you to open jars for them. I don’t know why the Invisible Man always wears bandages around his face. Doesn’t he know that’s the Mummy’s thing?
If I were invisible, I’d want to be invisible all the time. Sure, the Invisible Man went a little crazy, but I’d rather be a little crazy than look like a freakshow. At least if I were invisible, I could wander around the countryside during the day and look at all the horses and flowers and children playing without anyone being scared of me. But I’m not, so I have to continue to live in this dark, dank cave all alone. Oh well.
Eric Andrew Newman lives in Los Angeles and is from the Chicago Area. He works as an archivist for a nonprofit foundation by day and as a writer of flash fiction by night. His work has appeared in Atlas and Alice, Ellipsis Zine, formercactus, Gargoyle, New Madrid, Pithead Chapel, and Quarter After Eight. He is also the Flash Editor of Okay Donkey.